RookieMoms Blog

Once upon a time, I had a job as a copy editor and I lasted about six weeks. From my first day, I felt it wasn’t the right job for me, and I cried on the phone to my previous boss. I forced myself to stay six weeks, and then I gave my two week-notice.

There was a bright side of this job – my office mate. Erika Lenkert was funny, smart, and confident in exactly the way you want an older sister to be. She had a glamorous work history, having written for InStyle, assorted travel guides, and glossy San Francisco magazines, and a glamorous social life, packed with dates, wine country outings with girlfriends, and invites to hip events. And she liked me. She told me she was my number one fan. I felt honored.

We lost touch soon after I left that job, so it was a short-lived friendship, but I was delighted to get an email the other day announcing a new book “The Real Deal Guide to Pregnancy” by Erika Lenkert.

The entire book is in Erika’s voice as she fills the reader in on all the important things a pregnant woman needs to know, adding a dash of her own experiences and down-to-earth perspectives.

Since I am not pregnant, I will confess that I could only bring myself to read about half of the book and then skip around. Love that she suggests traveling. (Can’t dwell on it because for me traveling right now includes a 50% potty trained three year old and an eight-month old who doesn’t sleep through the night.) I am grateful, however, that I didn’t miss out on page 226, where Erika gives us the real deal:

The first six months are really hard. Women who were born to be mommies will disagree, but those of us who have enjoyed being self-indulgent rulers of our own domains and defined ourselves through professional or social achievements accomplishments might beg to differ.

… In conjunction with moments of parental glory is the relentless and all-consuming task of navigating new parenthood, caring for a newborn, and realizing that you and your desires are no longer the first priorities in your own life.

I love to hear other women spell this out for soon-to-be-mamas.

Since Erika went through new motherhood a little after I did, reading this made me wish I could have given my former idol a big hug back when she was a smushy-bellied, tearful, milk-leaking, postpartum mess. I would have taken her and her daughter out for hot chocolate and pedicures. I would have assured her that she would return to the self-confident, strong, creative woman she was when we shared an office. But apparently that already happened, since she must have bounced back in order to write a book about it.

> The Real Deal Guide to Pregnancy is available at Amazon
> Erika Lenkert’s Web site
> The Rookie Mom’s Handbook: 250 Activities to Do with (and Without!) Your Baby (similar themes, but for women whose bundles of joy are already breaking in their Bugaboos)

My old former roommate Marla has two daughters, age 3 and 4 and a new baby expected within the next couple weeks. Her sisters-in-law (one with three kids and the other with twin one-year-olds) knew exactly what she needed in lieu of a baby shower: food for the freezer!

Jen and Julie combined a few of my favorite ideas into one and I attended the “Let’s make dinner for Marla (and ourselves)” not a shower party last night! I’m only sorry I didn’t think of it first.

Between having fun chatting it up with Marla’s friends and leaving with three dinners and side dishes, it was absolutely brilliant. Am I gushing? Sorry, but come on…

[dinner prep place] + [food for new mom] x [fun evening out] = genius

Related activities:
#54 Cook and Play
#378 Stock your freezer

Sisters unite. Help me think of the perfect non-new gift for my sister-in-law’s new baby. She’s due in about a week. My compact month starts in about a week and I don’t want to go in cheating.

A few things to know about my sister-in-law:

1. Her name is also Heather
2. She hates used stuff
3. She lives cross-country in DC
4. This will be her second daughter, g-d willing
5. and she’s Orthodox Jewish

What’s a good gift? Help please!!

ps I don’t think she reads this site, so go ahead and give me some ideas.

Every year it’s fun to hear what gets added to the Oxford English Dictionary.

Examples from this year:

aerobicized or aerobicised
adj. (of a person’s body) toned by aerobic exercise: aerobicized Hollywood women.

crunk
n. a type of hip-hop or rap music characterized by repeated shouted catchphrases and elements typical of electronic dance music, such as prominent bass.
adj. US, chiefly black slang (of a person) very excited or full of energy.
– origin 1990s: perh. an alt. past part. of crank1 or a blend of crazy and drunk.

I heard both of these mommy-centric terms at postnatal yoga this week and loved them. Wonder if they’ll every make it into the big book.

Postpartum Pudding
n. Jello-like belly that a new birth mother is left with when the baby leaves her body. Typically lasts for nine to twelve months, with the first two months being the most extreme.

Hip-hop diaper
n. 1. Multiple inches of visible diaper sticking out over a toddler’s sagging pants 2. a more dangerous situation, a diaper that is exposing crack. On a newborn, this will definitely lead to what’s known universally as a “blow-out”, requiring use of the often forgotten back-up outfit and a plastic bag or two.

I was just going through some papers sitting on our kitchen counter for the past two months (ok, who am I kidding– six months) and came across a packet of documents we brought home from the hospital. Within the many papers of useless information is a form that I apparently signed during labor. It is called Information and Consent for Vaginal Birth After Cesarean.

So get this. You show up at the hospital after nine months of pregnancy. You are in labor. You are presented with a piece of paper that says that “a successful, uncomplicated vaginal birth after cesarean section carries the lowest risk to both mother and baby”, LOWER THAN A REPEAT C-SECTION, this form says, but that you still must sign the form saying you want one.

I just can’t believe I had to consent to something that was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. What if I did nothing? What if I just looked at them, pretended to be mute, let the contractions continue to ravage my body, and eventually, within hours, given birth, (even without signing something!)? Would I have broken some rule? Hospital Policy #2501: Do not let babies come out of your vagina without first double opting in via form #47.a Information and Consent for Vaginal Birth After Cesarean.

And, more: this form? It also has a checkbox for “I prefer Elective Repeat Cesarean Section.” So that’s good, right?

We all have choices and many of us will choose C-Section the second time. However… again with the form. The form implies that here you are, at 2 am, three days before your due date, and you might be making the wrong choice. Really, if the baby comes out, how can it be the wrong choice? Hmph.

Dear People Who Make Decisions About Customer Experiences at Mimi Maternity,

It does not go unnoticed by me that at Mimi Maternity stores (and I have been to many throughout California over the course of two pregnancies) the sales people are not mothers, but rather young women who have never been pregnant. As such, they are not very knowledgeable about being pregnant, but only about the appearance of the clothes. Not saying I wouldn’t go to an obstetrician who is not herself a mother, but I am guaranteed she has training for the job. Including sensitivity training.

My main complaint is this: Whenever I make a purchase, it seems that your store policy is to ask my due date to enter in the register. How about “None of your business” as my due date? Do you have a button for that? Then your lovely salespeople ask for more of my personal information. (Clearly this kicks off a direct marketing program through which I will receive offers in the mail from a bunch of advertisers who benefit from knowing the exact stage of my pregnancy and eventually the age of my baby.) This makes me feel grumpy. Ok, I already feel grumpy. This makes me feel like you only want me for my future value to you and don’t appreciate that I’m already giving you some money today. Why don’t you appreciate the money I am spending with you today?!

Next, and uh, don’t worry about whether or not I’m in a hurry, have to go to the bathroom (I do) or just want to go find a place to sit down and elevate my feet, I am given a sample issue of a baby magazine… I can’t remember which title… and told that I’ll be receiving three trial issues. Excuse me? I thought I was the customer. I thought that I decide when to subscribe to magazines. All by myself. Having worked on a magazine business in the past, I know that this is a negative option offer and that you will be later billed for the subscription or have to cancel it. More work for the consumer.

Then, you push toward me several brochures for related businesses — cord blood banking and college savings plans — and imply that I must take them.

Each time I go in to your store, I leave outraged because I am simply trying to buy a pair of very large underwear and I am bombarded with sales pitches. Worse, I feel badly for women who go in there who don’t realize that they can say “no” to all these offers. It seems ironic that such a poor experience is given to a target audience who is likely to be already flustered, overwhelmed, or physically uncomfortable.

How to win me over?

Make it clear that you love me, appreciate my business, and understand my pregnancy-related woes. Offer me a cool drink of water. Provide a chair in front of a foot massage machine. Sell bras in sizes larger than E. (Nursing boobs are OFTEN larger than E). Put out samples of nutrition bars that you sell. Make me feel like coming to your store is a treat. A treat just for me because I am pregnant and special.

Display the magazines with a burst-shaped sticker that says, “If you’d like a free trial subscription, ask a sales person.” Put your helpful brochures in a stand where we can take them ourselves IF WE WANT THEM. And hire some better salespeople. If you build it, we will come. Waddling all the way.

Sincerely,
Hopefully never again a Mimi customer,
Whitney

Hi. I am here. I am reading, I am just not writing. I just had a baby, you see. Eight days ago. I am not fit to blog right now. I am probably injuring myself just sitting in this computer chair. My sitting parts hurt. A lot. Second baby, but first time out the chute — turns out it’s more like a first baby.

So, let me just excuse myself for a few more days. I really thought I’d be out and about by now, but I just can’t do it.

I don’t mind feeling like I might cry at any moment. I don’t mind the cracked nipples. I don’t mind the insane rash on my back from the epidural. What’s bothering me is right between my legs. I have third degree rippage. I can only sit on pillows, and prefer those that are shaped like a donut. When will this feel better? Tell us, how long did it take you to get moving?

I am 39 weeks pregnant, due tomorrow, and just as anxious as you people to have this baby exit my body. In fact, more anxious. It is MY baby and MY body, so if you think I’m staying pregnant just to inconvenience you, or delay your meeting of my daughter, you are oh so wrong.

What you need to get through your thick skull is that there is no way to predict when a baby is going to arrive beyond the four-week window that we are already clear on. And guess what! Two of those weeks have already passed, so we’ve only got two weeks to muck around in. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Really, can I get you something cold to drink? Do you want to put your feet up? You must, because I’m sure all this waiting is really making you crazy. Oh me, I’m fine. I’ll just walk up a hill for four miles, as you’ve suggested, with seven lbs of human weight pressing on my pubic bone. Oh, scrub the floor? Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’m sure it has nothing to do with my cervix, and everything to do with floor scrubbing.

Do I feel anything? Why yes. I feel erratic contractions and the busy limbs of a full-term baby pushing on my abdomen. Just like every other woman in her 40th week of pregnancy. Do I think it’s going to happen soon? I. just. don’t. know.

Why do I guess, when pushed to guess, that the baby will be ten days late? Don’t I realize that you feel anxious when you hear that? You don’t want to wait that long? You’ve already been waiting for more than seven months? Don’t I get that my due date has been set by a doctor?

Yes, I get it. And the last time I had a baby, he arrived, perfectly healthy, thirteen days after that the projected date. Is it possible that we had the conception date wrong? No, it is not possible. You can call the nurses at the Alta Bates fertility center and check on that.

What did the doctor say yesterday about my odds of having a baby this week? She said that obstetrics has made so many wonderful advances that keep mothers and babies alive and infection-free during childbirth. Can’t we be grateful for that, and not complain that there is no way to predict labor starting, even after a deeply uncomfortable pelvic exam?

But really, do I think it will be this weekend, because you know, you want to make your plans? And I’ll call you, right, as soon as I feel something, like a little twinge? Uh, yes. When I am doubled over, hobbling down the stairs to my car, I will call you. Or rather, when I am clenching my fist to get an IV inserted, I’ll call you. No better, when I am getting my cervix checked by a student nurse and her mentor for the seventh time, I’ll call you. Or maybe I’ll wait til I’m getting stitched up. Or, during the first moments I hold my newborn baby in my arms, introduce myself to her, tell her what we’ve named her, and that we are thrilled beyond belief to have her join our family. I don’t need personal space for that. It would be a good time to chat. Don’t worry, you are first on my list.

Thanks for listening to me. Don’t you other almost-due mothers wish you could just hand them this?

Note from Heather: Loyal readers, Whitney had her baby, Scarlett, on Wednesday but wrote this (on Monday) in anticipation of being ten days late. Just goes to show, that you don’t really know when it’s all gonna go down!

A colleague of mine told me that his wife is on bed rest and she’s only 21 weeks. Yikes. It got me to wondering about the fun you can have when you’re bed bound and I wanted to tap into the collective experience of the Internets.

I imagine that would want to mix it up between activities I’d enjoy alone and ones that would keep my visitors entertained (and coming back for more).

• My mind first went to board games: Travel Scrabble, Carcassonne, Trivial Pursuit — I love games and this seems like a good excuse. We played Travel Scrabble on our honeymoon and also in the hospital after childbirth.
• Then there’s the array of DVD boardless games: Scene It is the one I’m most familiar with and it’s a good time without the board.
• The Internet itself is a time-suck and can be a money suck if you stumble onto the shopping sites (and what site isn’t a shopping site these days? *please start your Amazon spree here if you must shop*)
• As long as you’re shopping, get ahead and do any errands you can from your bed-headquarters. Pre-buy birthday gifts and holiday gifts for the next couple months, shop around for your favorite birth announcements, and find an online grocery delivery company you like.
• Reading… yep, old fashioned and can be refreshing and wonderful. If you’re on pregnancy bed rest, do yourself and your mate a favor and alternate parenting books with real fun books
• What about knitting? That’s a good sitting down hobby, right? I bought my yarn but I haven’t learned yet
• Reach out to friends. Clean out your email and cell phone contacts and send some nice emails. Gosh, do you have time to write a real letter? Do it.
• TV: TiVo, Netflix, iTunes, and onDemand offer alternatives to watching old reruns (now you can watch those same early Cosby Shows without commercials!), but my bed rest suggestion would be to make little goals such as watching all the best pictures from a certain decade or seeing all episodes of Alias in order.

For my research, I stumbled upon this “bringing fun to bedrest gift box” [pictured] and I love the idea of it! So smart. I might alter the contents to be a little healthier or decadent, but I’ve become a cocoa snob so don’t go by me.

Also, during my research (AKA googling), I found this handy little excerpt from AmericanPregnancy.org on bed rest:

Get organized: Being confined to the bed does not mean that you cannot be productive, whether it is accomplishing things for your family, your home, or just doing something for yourself. Having things at your fingertips will make things easier. Here is a checklist of items you may want near the bed or couch:

* Telephone, directory and address book
* Pens, pencils and paper
* Brush, comb, and mirror
* Books, magazines, or other reading materials
* Remote controls to TV and VCR
* Laptop computer
* Cosmetics, nail files, etc.

Once you’ve set up this station for pregnancy-related bed rest, it can transition nicely into a nursing station when baby finally does arrive!

Hiya pal,
When I was pregnant with baby #2, I managed to get through the first six months in denial that anything was really going to change in my life. I figure it’s sort of (Mother) Nature’s way. Sometime during that icky third trimester, I began to realize that someone new and helpless was going to live in our small house. And I had better get prepared.

As a self-aware control freak, I made a list of all my big and little concerns, assigned them rough priority and due dates, then taped it to the wall above the family computer where I was sure Alec would see it.

Being a laid-back guy, he still required my nagging to help with most of these tasks. Since other third trimester side effects include insomnia and baby-brain, it really helped me write these things down to keep them from floating around my brain at night.

First and foremost, I had a lot of anxiety about the stroller. The notion of strapping both kids down at the same time made me feel safe. I fretted about finding the perfect stroller, having it in my house before the baby was born, and using it ASAP to give me a sense of control over the whole situation.

That (understandable yet) irrational notion aside, the rest of my list of prepping for baby #2 holds up pretty well.

Since a second baby can come anytime — and I had some good friends whose bundles arrived four weeks early — these dates reflect a possible early arrival.

Critical

To keep it manageable, try to limit yourself to five absolutely must-do’s. Obviously, I fudged it for myself.

• Car seat: cleaned and installed (Due Date - 4 weeks); it was nice to get Holden accustomed to his new spot in the car.
• Childcare plan: Who was on call before my mom arrived broken down by time of day (DD - 4 weeks); I sent around notes regarding Holden’s care and contact info to all the team members.
• Bags packed: (DD - 4 weeks) I wanted this done a month in advance so I could be ready at a moment’s notice. But I didn’t finish this until the day before Milo arrived. Oh well. See our sweet packing list.
• Breast pump: parts and bottles cleaned, pump assembled, tubing replaced (DD - 4 weeks); I’m pretty sure we missed this deadline
• Baby clothes: cleaned and installed (DD - 4 weeks); I liked knowing that all the mini clothes (hand-me-down and new) were in their proper size designations so I could see if there were any gaps in coverage. Remember that the newborn phase goes extremely quickly.
• Newborn diapers: (DD - 3 weeks); they will give you some in the hospital, I have extras for you, and I will happily buy some on command; but this was something else that I felt like I really needed in order to be prepared.

Is that more than five? Oops, I lost count.

Can’t believe I thought it was Critical

Stroller for two: purchased and on hand (DD - 2 weeks); I would now hold out as long as is humanly possible. A pregnant woman cannot possibly evaluate a stroller properly, largely because she can’t fold and lift it well. But also because she doesn’t yet know what her children will prefer/tolerate.

Nice to have

• Moby-like wrap (DD - 2 wks)
• Nursing pads (DD - 2 wks)
• Zinc, baby tylenol, gripe water (DD - 2 wks)
• Pacifiers and Avent nipples (DD + 2 wks)
• Another amazing miracle swaddling blanket (DD + 2 wks) — never happened, we just wash our one all the darn time.
• A better diaper bag solution (DD + 2 wks) — never happened, we’re still winging it.
• Soft and fluffy towel (DD + 2 wks) — never happened, good thing we barely bathe our new baby.
• Hooter hider (DD + 2 wks) — I managed to borrow one and I’m grateful for it.

I’d also advise you to see what your shower brings, although I’m sure you’re already doing that.

Our wishlist and registry still holds up as a great checklist.

Lots of love,
your older friend Heather